★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Horror comedy is a tricky bit of business. Too far in either direction can produce blood curdling, or alternatively, cringe inducing results. While it’s pure joy to dabble in both, sometimes films need to pick a figurative lane.
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Mike’s Review: Hellbender (2022)
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
It is oft said that being a parent is the most unique and rewarding experience one could ever have. Simultaneously it’s the most dull and common experience among us. There are highs and lows to be sure, but most of the relationships are spent having a meal, doing laundry, and trying to figure each other out.
Hellbender spends the large majority of its hour and 26 minute run time focused on the more mundane aspects of the parent child relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a wild and peculiar odyssey.
Mike’s Review: Old (2021)
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Caught in one of the weirdest conundrums around. A story that’s either a perfectly time version of a Twightlight Zone episode, or a ten part series on Hulu, but is definitely unsuited for a feature length film. This is the world of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2021 joint, Old.
Mike’s Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
★★ out of ★★★★★
In 1974 we were treated to a gory nightmare that served as a haunting metaphor for the Viet Nam War. Now, 48 years later we’re being served a vile and equally nightmarish metaphor for class war and the cultural disposability of the elderly. There’s even a nice treatise on the perversion of the current real estate market in the United States.
Director David Blue Garcia even throws in a discussion of gun violence in America, the growing tension between red and blue states, and some light rumination the country’s history of racial injustice. Sound like too much? Well, it is.
Trailer and Poster Alert: Argento’s Black Glasses!
Fingers crossed — firmly. We here at the Scariest Things Podcast wish nothing but goodwill towards one of, and possibly, the greatest horror directors of all time. But, sadly, Dario Argento Dario has slipped in recent years. Mother of Tears, Dracula 3D , Giallo, and, well, you get the idea. Contrasted with his earlier work you get the maddening sense that father time has finally caught up with this giallo genius.
Mike’s Review: We Need To Do Something (2021)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing more devastating and frightening than a family at their wit’s end who are also simultaneously at each other’s throats. One part drama, one part horror, one part nuclear family armageddon. You don’t want to watch the collapse, but you absolutely can’t peel your peepers from the impending chaos.
Mike’s Review: The Runner (2022)
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
To be clear, there’s not a lot of running in 2022’s The Runner. There’s some trundling through the woods and there’s some “running shoes”, but it’s not entirely clear if you you could actually run in the shoes featured in this Shudder film. Think clunky hipster orthopedic running shoes. Probably not optimal for running.
Trailer and Poster Alert! Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2022
The sequel/re-quel that no one really asked for is right around the corner. This winter we’ll get to see more septuagenarians and/or octogenarians battle it out in a grudge match that began nearly 50 years ago! Why? Who knows. But it sure helped give the Halloween franchise a kick in the pants!
Mike’s Review: Archive 81 (2022)
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Archive 81 is the best piece of horror that’s ever dropped on Netflix and rest assured we’ll be talking about this as one of the best things that 2022 will offer us. Yes, you heard that right.
Mike’s Review: Sssssss (1973)
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Don’t say it…hissss it! The tagline from the trailer for the most unusual horror film ever made really hits the nail on the head.
Mike’s Review: Beyond the Darkness (1979)
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Come for the insane 1970s Italian gore! Stay for the superb Goblin soundtrack! It’s all here! Frankly, is there anything more you could ever ask from a horror film? Well, maybe.
Mike’s Review: Death Valley (2021)
★ out of ★★★★★
It’s always disappointing when someone takes one of your favorite horror sub-genres and brutally bastardizes it. The “we’re trapped in a secret military base and there’s only one way out” storyline takes some care and feeding. The situation is made even worse when it’s given the ham-fisted SyFy treatment. Little attention, little point, and little effort.
Movie Posters We Love: Top Ten Horror Movie Posters from 2021!
We warned you that we’d be back in the theaters in 2021 and we were! The Scariest Things Podcast, spread all across the globe, represented well in theaters far and wide. We were up close and personal for Conjuring III, Halloween Kills, Malignant, Candyman, and many, many others.
Mike’s Review: Bingo Hell (2021)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Last year brought us engaging septuagenarians battling it out the save their decrepit community center in VFW. Earlier this year saw the posthumous release of George Romero’s frightening PSA, Amusement Park. concerning the oft forgotten repugnance of elder abuse. Now, Amazon Studios is treating us to the latest in elder horror, Bingo Hell. The golden (girls) age is upon us with a new subgenera of horror, AARP horror. You heard it here first!
Mike’s Top 10 Horror Films of 2021!
In 2020, the global pandemic gave us an interesting dynamic in film. Stripped down productions. The re-rise of independent horror. Big budget films either shelved, delayed, or cancelled all together. Last year’s horror scene definitely had a peculiar and, well, dystopian quality.
Enter 2021! The big budget films that coldly sat on the shelves for the last year, or in some cases years, or in other cases almost a half century, are now out in the theaters for us all to enjoy. And enjoy them we did! It shouldn’t be a terrible surprise that (often) the more money, time, energy, and talent you ply to your project the better quality you’ll receive in return. Mostly.
Here’s some of the best from another spooky year…
Mike’s Review: The Brilliant Terror (2021) (Another Hole in the Head Film Festival)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
To be clear, horror is the human condition. Sure there’s ghosts, robots, cannibals, witches, and Jason Voorhees, but all these finely finessed sub-genres are really just an extension of the human condition. Much ink has been poured over this subject, but rarely does a horror documentary get at this hyper-simple truism.
Mike’s Review: My Cherry Pie (2021) (Another Hole in the Head Film Festival)
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
There’s no telling if 2021’s My Cherry Pie qualifies as Oz-spoitation, but it sure looks, sounds, and feels like something straight off of 42nd street. It’s not the pastoral Picnic at Hanging Rock, nor is it the ever-haunting Lake Mungo. Think Wolf Creek with little-to-no-budget, an extra bit of nastiness, and a pinch of grindhouse.
Mike’s Review: The Whooper Returns (2021) (Another Hole in the Head Film Festival)
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
It’s always fascinating to see how something of little-to-no-value can bring out the worst in people as soon as they realize that someone else is interested in the same valueless item. This dynamic is made all the worse when it’s families fighting over the same scrap of trash. Worse yet? When that scrap of trash is the site of a 1979 horror film, the Whooper.
Trailer Alert: Studio 666
When we caught wind of this (assuredly) horror comedy last month we weren’t entirely clear if we were looking at an elaborate album hype, a hoax, or an actual film.
Mike’s Review: Slumber Party Massacre (2021)
★.5 out of ★★★★★
Alright. Move along. Move along. There’s nothing to see here. Really, there’s nothing to see. A sad commentary on what should have been one of the most celebrated films this side of Halloween Kills. But, it’s true. The reimagining of the Slumber Party Massacre is a dull and uneven homage to its predecessor.
Mike’s Review: Ghostbusters Afterlife (2021)
👻👻👻 out of 👻👻👻👻👻
Now 37 years in to the franchise you probably have a good idea of what to expect from the latest installment of the Ghostbusters, AKA Ghostbusters: Afterlife. Every thing that you think you’re going to see is guaranteed to be seen. There are some sly and not so sly references to the original 1984 Ghostbusters film. But, at the end of the day, Ghostbusters: Afterlife is largely an exact duplicate of its 1984 grandfather.
Mike’s Review: Martyrs Lane (2021)
👻👻👻 out of 👻👻👻👻👻
The go-to move for horror filmmakers in the modern era is the tortured family dynamic. It’s creepy, hidden, sinister, and above all tragic. When you mix in a heaping dose of the death of a child, tragic can take a very dark complexion and make it, well, darker.
Movie News: Studio 666 Coming Soon!
As ideas slowly become more and more (re) used and reworked filmmaking has progressively embraced the meta. In fact, things have become so meta sometimes it’s difficult to tell when one concept ends and the next begins.
Enter the recently announced horror offering featuring…the Foo Fighters?
Mike’s Review: Basket Case (1982)
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Everybody had to start somewhere. Alien ripped off The Green Slime. Child’s Play ripped off Magic. Piranha ripped off Jaws. And everyone ripped off Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It should come as no surprise that this year’s weirdo “it” film Malignant is a ripoff, but we’re here to tell you it is.
Mike’s Review: Halloween Kills (2021)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
As demonic crooner Ronnie James Dio once famously opined “when you listen to fools, the mob rules.” Maybe this prescient piece of advice was being plied to the January 6 insurrection, maybe it was being plied to Halloween Kills, but just maybe Dio’s magical ways were sorting out many future truths.
Mike’s Review: Boarding House (Nightstream Festival, 1982)
★ out of ★★★★★
or
★★★★★ out of ★★★★★
A five star film that’s also simultaneously a one star film? A film that occupies an incredibly rare space. It’s loved. It’s hated. It’s revered. It’s reviled. A film that’s poorly shot, conceived, and acted, but its legendarily awful veneer gives way to a blood soaked interior that’s impossible not to LOVE.
Mike’s Book Review: The Remaking (2020)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
A determined novel that spans multiple time frames and plumb near covers every last aspect horror genre — except for UFOs and Bigfoot. That might sound like a stretch, but it ain’t. There’s witches. There’s ghouls. There’s 1970s grindhouse lore. There’s the conventions and their inevitable fan-boy hangers on. There’s even true crime podcasters. This book covers it all. Maybe that’s a good thing and maybe it’s not.
Mike’s Review: The Last Matinee (Popcorn Frights 2021)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
The Last Matinee is a loving homage to film. More to the point it’s a loving homage and exploration of Argento, Fulchi, grindhouse cinema, slashers, grimy movie theaters, and quite possibly the great Lamberto Bava film Demons. Don’t be fooled though. While The Last Matinee pulls from many of the classics, it’s got its own unique style and flavor, and it’s cram-packed with EYEBALLS.
Mike’s Review: Dashcam (Popcorn Frights 2021)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
The son of De Palma’s Blow-Out! The grandson of Michelangelo Antonioni’s Blow-Up! A new vision of paranoid conspiracy theories as told through the latest fandangled piece of technology! Or in this case technologies.
Mike’s Portland Horror Film Festival Review: Red River Road (2020)
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
It’s fair to say that we might not know the full impact of the global pandemic tragedy for years or even decades. Some have been tragically impacted by the pandemic, some have wandered in a face-covered fog, and others have irresponsibly stuck their heads in the sand. Everyone has had choices to make during the pandemic and those choices have manifested in the horrible, but they’ve also been used for creativity and good.