★★★★ out of ★★★★★
In the increasingly fast-paced world of horror sometimes it’s really nice to bath in a simple and pastoral story. The intensity of fast zombies, flying chainsaws, and hyper-speed ghouls has a time and place, but it’s also a nice bit of calm when the characters and the story unfold in a relaxed and less apocalyptic way.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing worse than living alone in a bleak and dreary apartment. Add Covid19 and some additional isolation. That’s pretty awful. Mix in conference calls with your patronizing ex-wife, her husband, and your best pal trying to help you transition in to the next phase of your life. Well, that’s really awful. Mix in some black magic, demons from another dimension, and true ghost hunters — then you’ve got a real recipe for demonic disaster.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Vampires and circuses! Two great tastes that pair wonderfully said together. Said no one. Ever. But it’s true. It happened. All courtesy of classic horror studio Hammer films. In 1972 someone thought up this brainy coupling and vampires were meshed together in to the world of circuses. Not necessarily a fad that lasted, but at least we got one vampire/circus mashup!
★★★ out of ★★★★★
This hop, skip, and jump down memory lane provides an incredible gory realization that horror films from the 1980s were silly, confusing, and nasty bits of business. Sure they were rather amateur-ish, but they were also exciting jumping off points for the masters of horror for decades to come! There’s Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi, Greg Nicotero, Bruce Campbell, Renée Estevez, and even famed Tarantino producer, Lawrence Bender. Some parts are smaller than others, but rest assured, they’re all there!
★ out of ★★★★★
A new age of horror is upon us! It’s Jeffrey Epstein Horror. For the record, Jeffrey Epstein is a pretty repugnant character and no one ever asked for Jeffrey Epstein Horror. But it is kind of…uh…interesting.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Equal parts Stand By Me, Stranger Things, and Hellraiser, the Shelter of the Damned presents a pretty dark look at adolescence and the lengths that kids will go to to get out of school.
★★ out of ★★★★★
It’s a new form of vampirism! It’s vampirism without vampires! Morbius is that oh-so-special vampire that’s content with Gatorade mountain blueberry blast-looking blood and who doesn’t burst in to flames every time he sees a crucifix. The dawning of a new and decidedly less malevolent Dracula.
1/2 ★ out of ★★★★★
Ted Lange from Loveboat is not Sir Laurence Oliver, neither is Baywatch stalwart, David Chokachi. To be clear, the level of acting in Blood Pageant, and for that matter everything else, is a pretty thin stab at the horror genre.
🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘 out of 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘
“This is rock and roll that is going to change your fucking life!” — Lita Ford.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Hypochondriac is really a film that hits the right place and the right time. Mental health, familial relationships, concern about physical health and well being, and our collective sense that we just might be lost in the universe. Hypochondriac delivers on all these fronts and manages to sneak in a couple legitimate scares!
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Who’s ready for an early 1990s straight-to-VHS horror-filled romp in the hood? Silly caricatures? Thin and well-trod plot? A vague rip-off of 1980s slashers and a not-so subtle rip-off of the Saw franchise? If any of this sounds remotely interesting then you’re in for a treat! Bitch Ass has got it all.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Horror comedy is a tricky bit of business. Too far in either direction can produce blood curdling, or alternatively, cringe inducing results. While it’s pure joy to dabble in both, sometimes films need to pick a figurative lane.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
It is oft said that being a parent is the most unique and rewarding experience one could ever have. Simultaneously it’s the most dull and common experience among us. There are highs and lows to be sure, but most of the relationships are spent having a meal, doing laundry, and trying to figure each other out.
Hellbender spends the large majority of its hour and 26 minute run time focused on the more mundane aspects of the parent child relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a wild and peculiar odyssey.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Caught in one of the weirdest conundrums around. A story that’s either a perfectly time version of a Twightlight Zone episode, or a ten part series on Hulu, but is definitely unsuited for a feature length film. This is the world of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2021 joint, Old.
★★ out of ★★★★★
In 1974 we were treated to a gory nightmare that served as a haunting metaphor for the Viet Nam War. Now, 48 years later we’re being served a vile and equally nightmarish metaphor for class war and the cultural disposability of the elderly. There’s even a nice treatise on the perversion of the current real estate market in the United States.
Director David Blue Garcia even throws in a discussion of gun violence in America, the growing tension between red and blue states, and some light rumination the country’s history of racial injustice. Sound like too much? Well, it is.
Fingers crossed — firmly. We here at the Scariest Things Podcast wish nothing but goodwill towards one of, and possibly, the greatest horror directors of all time. But, sadly, Dario Argento Dario has slipped in recent years. Mother of Tears, Dracula 3D , Giallo, and, well, you get the idea. Contrasted with his earlier work you get the maddening sense that father time has finally caught up with this giallo genius.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing more devastating and frightening than a family at their wit’s end who are also simultaneously at each other’s throats. One part drama, one part horror, one part nuclear family armageddon. You don’t want to watch the collapse, but you absolutely can’t peel your peepers from the impending chaos.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
To be clear, there’s not a lot of running in 2022’s The Runner. There’s some trundling through the woods and there’s some “running shoes”, but it’s not entirely clear if you you could actually run in the shoes featured in this Shudder film. Think clunky hipster orthopedic running shoes. Probably not optimal for running.
The sequel/re-quel that no one really asked for is right around the corner. This winter we’ll get to see more septuagenarians and/or octogenarians battle it out in a grudge match that began nearly 50 years ago! Why? Who knows. But it sure helped give the Halloween franchise a kick in the pants!
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Archive 81 is the best piece of horror that’s ever dropped on Netflix and rest assured we’ll be talking about this as one of the best things that 2022 will offer us. Yes, you heard that right.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Don’t say it…hissss it! The tagline from the trailer for the most unusual horror film ever made really hits the nail on the head.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Come for the insane 1970s Italian gore! Stay for the superb Goblin soundtrack! It’s all here! Frankly, is there anything more you could ever ask from a horror film? Well, maybe.
★ out of ★★★★★
It’s always disappointing when someone takes one of your favorite horror sub-genres and brutally bastardizes it. The “we’re trapped in a secret military base and there’s only one way out” storyline takes some care and feeding. The situation is made even worse when it’s given the ham-fisted SyFy treatment. Little attention, little point, and little effort.
We warned you that we’d be back in the theaters in 2021 and we were! The Scariest Things Podcast, spread all across the globe, represented well in theaters far and wide. We were up close and personal for Conjuring III, Halloween Kills, Malignant, Candyman, and many, many others.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Last year brought us engaging septuagenarians battling it out the save their decrepit community center in VFW. Earlier this year saw the posthumous release of George Romero’s frightening PSA, Amusement Park. concerning the oft forgotten repugnance of elder abuse. Now, Amazon Studios is treating us to the latest in elder horror, Bingo Hell. The golden (girls) age is upon us with a new subgenera of horror, AARP horror. You heard it here first!
In 2020, the global pandemic gave us an interesting dynamic in film. Stripped down productions. The re-rise of independent horror. Big budget films either shelved, delayed, or cancelled all together. Last year’s horror scene definitely had a peculiar and, well, dystopian quality.
Enter 2021! The big budget films that coldly sat on the shelves for the last year, or in some cases years, or in other cases almost a half century, are now out in the theaters for us all to enjoy. And enjoy them we did! It shouldn’t be a terrible surprise that (often) the more money, time, energy, and talent you ply to your project the better quality you’ll receive in return. Mostly.
Here’s some of the best from another spooky year…
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
To be clear, horror is the human condition. Sure there’s ghosts, robots, cannibals, witches, and Jason Voorhees, but all these finely finessed sub-genres are really just an extension of the human condition. Much ink has been poured over this subject, but rarely does a horror documentary get at this hyper-simple truism.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
There’s no telling if 2021’s My Cherry Pie qualifies as Oz-spoitation, but it sure looks, sounds, and feels like something straight off of 42nd street. It’s not the pastoral Picnic at Hanging Rock, nor is it the ever-haunting Lake Mungo. Think Wolf Creek with little-to-no-budget, an extra bit of nastiness, and a pinch of grindhouse.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
It’s always fascinating to see how something of little-to-no-value can bring out the worst in people as soon as they realize that someone else is interested in the same valueless item. This dynamic is made all the worse when it’s families fighting over the same scrap of trash. Worse yet? When that scrap of trash is the site of a 1979 horror film, the Whooper.
When we caught wind of this (assuredly) horror comedy last month we weren’t entirely clear if we were looking at an elaborate album hype, a hoax, or an actual film.
