★★★★ out of ★★★★★
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — comedy is a difficult task that’s made all the more difficult when it gets mixed up with its gory cousin, HORROR. To see it done well is one of the more pleasant sites that a horror fan gets to ever see.
The new film, Stag, by quadruple threat (actress, writer, director, and producer) Alexandra Spieth marries these two ugly cousins together perfectly — ironically in the context of a weekend bridal party.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
There’s a very real chance that this film may be the first of its kind. True story. One of one. The first ever. Well, that might be a little bit of a stretch, but it’s unlikely that there are any other found footage horror films made by Syrian teens who happen to be refugees living Lebanese settlement camps. If there are others out there we’d sure love to know about them.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
It’s probably not too far out on a limb to say that Dave Grohl is an American treasure, but it turns out he actually is. From his time in Scream to Nirvana and his alt-grunge outfit the Foo Fighters, the man has done it all. Vacillating between documentaries with topics as varied as the Bad Brains, Lemmy, obscure record labels, and even Devo, Dave has covered nearly every possible music genre and sub-genre.
While he’s acted in a handful of fictional films, he’s never really touched on the world of horror. That is until now. Turns out he’s a pretty great actor. And, he’s also got a penchant for comedy.
This year’s “it” horror film is upon us! Sorry, Halloween Ends, you’ll have to wait your turn. The Black Phone is the long awaited horror opus directed by Scott Derrickson (Sinister, Exorcism of Emily Rose, and Deliver us from Evil) and written by Joe Hill (Locke and Key, Creep Show, and NOS4RA2).
All the horror provenance is certainly there, but is the Black Phone any good? As we often do, the Scariest Things Podcast team is bringing our collective thoughts to the table to look inside this big budget spook show.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
On the edge of the 40th anniversary of the seminal John Carpenter-Stephen King mashup it’s high time we pay proper due to a legitimate horror classic. Coupled with the fact that Blumhouse is in the works of producing a questionable remake — due in 2022/2023 — and the fact that this 1983 joint is now streaming on Netflix in UHD, it makes it the perfect time to consider where this fits in to the pantheon of horror greats.
★★★★ out of ★★★★
According to director Ana Lily Amirpour, her latest outing, Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon “…is New Orleans AF.” While we’re probably not the best judges of whether anything, let alone New Orleans, is AF, but for purposes of this discussion we’ll say it is.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Being a drug mule is the absolute worst. Mind you, this reviewer has never been a drug mule, but there’s a nagging feeling that muling drugs for miscreants, reprobates, and slackened dolts is an awful time. The only thing worse than being a drug mule? When the drug mules are forced in to servitude in the name of Cronenbergian insects and a web of gnarly body horror.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
The 1930s and 40s brought us ghoulish voodoo zombies. The 1960s and 70s graciously brought us trundling brain-fixated zombies. The early 2000s somewhat quixotically brought us hyper-speed zombies. And now in the 2020s we’re being treated (emphasis on the sarcasm) to sadistic, cruel, and mean-spirited zombies. Good, bad, or indifferent this is the brutish zombie world we now live in.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
If we’ve learned anything it’s that horror movies are one big bag of smoke and mirrors. It’s a ruse, a put on, a sham. So much disbelief needs to be suspended to make the entire haunted house of cards structurally sound. If there’s any loose horror screws the entire effort collapses in a pile of unscary dust.
But when it works? Oh boy, does it work!
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
In the increasingly fast-paced world of horror sometimes it’s really nice to bathe in a simple and pastoral story. The intensity of fast zombies, flying chainsaws, and hyper-speed ghouls has a time and place, but it’s also a nice bit of calm when the characters and the story unfold in a relaxed and less apocalyptic way.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing worse than living alone in a bleak and dreary apartment. Add Covid19 and some additional isolation. That’s pretty awful. Mix in conference calls with your patronizing ex-wife, her husband, and your best pal trying to help you transition in to the next phase of your life. Well, that’s really awful. Mix in some black magic, demons from another dimension, and true ghost hunters — then you’ve got a real recipe for demonic disaster.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Vampires and circuses! Two great tastes that pair wonderfully said together. Said no one. Ever. But it’s true. It happened. All courtesy of classic horror studio Hammer films. In 1972 someone thought up this brainy coupling and vampires were meshed together in to the world of circuses. Not necessarily a fad that lasted, but at least we got one vampire/circus mashup!
★★★ out of ★★★★★
This hop, skip, and jump down memory lane provides an incredible gory realization that horror films from the 1980s were silly, confusing, and nasty bits of business. Sure they were rather amateur-ish, but they were also exciting jumping off points for the masters of horror for decades to come! There’s Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi, Greg Nicotero, Bruce Campbell, Renée Estevez, and even famed Tarantino producer, Lawrence Bender. Some parts are smaller than others, but rest assured, they’re all there!
★ out of ★★★★★
A new age of horror is upon us! It’s Jeffrey Epstein Horror. For the record, Jeffrey Epstein is a pretty repugnant character and no one ever asked for Jeffrey Epstein Horror. But it is kind of…uh…interesting.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Equal parts Stand By Me, Stranger Things, and Hellraiser, the Shelter of the Damned presents a pretty dark look at adolescence and the lengths that kids will go to to get out of school.
★★ out of ★★★★★
It’s a new form of vampirism! It’s vampirism without vampires! Morbius is that oh-so-special vampire that’s content with Gatorade mountain blueberry blast-looking blood and who doesn’t burst in to flames every time he sees a crucifix. The dawning of a new and decidedly less malevolent Dracula.
1/2 ★ out of ★★★★★
Ted Lange from Loveboat is not Sir Laurence Oliver, neither is Baywatch stalwart, David Chokachi. To be clear, the level of acting in Blood Pageant, and for that matter everything else, is a pretty thin stab at the horror genre.
🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘 out of 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘
“This is rock and roll that is going to change your fucking life!” — Lita Ford.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Hypochondriac is really a film that hits the right place and the right time. Mental health, familial relationships, concern about physical health and well being, and our collective sense that we just might be lost in the universe. Hypochondriac delivers on all these fronts and manages to sneak in a couple legitimate scares!
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Who’s ready for an early 1990s straight-to-VHS horror-filled romp in the hood? Silly caricatures? Thin and well-trod plot? A vague rip-off of 1980s slashers and a not-so subtle rip-off of the Saw franchise? If any of this sounds remotely interesting then you’re in for a treat! Bitch Ass has got it all.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Horror comedy is a tricky bit of business. Too far in either direction can produce blood curdling, or alternatively, cringe inducing results. While it’s pure joy to dabble in both, sometimes films need to pick a figurative lane.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
It is oft said that being a parent is the most unique and rewarding experience one could ever have. Simultaneously it’s the most dull and common experience among us. There are highs and lows to be sure, but most of the relationships are spent having a meal, doing laundry, and trying to figure each other out.
Hellbender spends the large majority of its hour and 26 minute run time focused on the more mundane aspects of the parent child relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a wild and peculiar odyssey.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Caught in one of the weirdest conundrums around. A story that’s either a perfectly time version of a Twightlight Zone episode, or a ten part series on Hulu, but is definitely unsuited for a feature length film. This is the world of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2021 joint, Old.
★★ out of ★★★★★
In 1974 we were treated to a gory nightmare that served as a haunting metaphor for the Viet Nam War. Now, 48 years later we’re being served a vile and equally nightmarish metaphor for class war and the cultural disposability of the elderly. There’s even a nice treatise on the perversion of the current real estate market in the United States.
Director David Blue Garcia even throws in a discussion of gun violence in America, the growing tension between red and blue states, and some light rumination the country’s history of racial injustice. Sound like too much? Well, it is.
Fingers crossed — firmly. We here at the Scariest Things Podcast wish nothing but goodwill towards one of, and possibly, the greatest horror directors of all time. But, sadly, Dario Argento Dario has slipped in recent years. Mother of Tears, Dracula 3D , Giallo, and, well, you get the idea. Contrasted with his earlier work you get the maddening sense that father time has finally caught up with this giallo genius.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing more devastating and frightening than a family at their wit’s end who are also simultaneously at each other’s throats. One part drama, one part horror, one part nuclear family armageddon. You don’t want to watch the collapse, but you absolutely can’t peel your peepers from the impending chaos.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
To be clear, there’s not a lot of running in 2022’s The Runner. There’s some trundling through the woods and there’s some “running shoes”, but it’s not entirely clear if you you could actually run in the shoes featured in this Shudder film. Think clunky hipster orthopedic running shoes. Probably not optimal for running.
The sequel/re-quel that no one really asked for is right around the corner. This winter we’ll get to see more septuagenarians and/or octogenarians battle it out in a grudge match that began nearly 50 years ago! Why? Who knows. But it sure helped give the Halloween franchise a kick in the pants!
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Archive 81 is the best piece of horror that’s ever dropped on Netflix and rest assured we’ll be talking about this as one of the best things that 2022 will offer us. Yes, you heard that right.
The movie that brought meta front and center to horror, and gave an adrenaline boost to a tired slasher genre is back with its fifth installment. The movie remains meta, and brings a fresh new group of victims… I mean characters… to the screen, along with a few old familiar friends. Is it any good? For a feature this significant it takes all three of the Scariest Things Podcasters to weigh in.
