★★★ out of ★★★★★
Vampires and circuses! Two great tastes that pair wonderfully said together. Said no one. Ever. But it’s true. It happened. All courtesy of classic horror studio Hammer films. In 1972 someone thought up this brainy coupling and vampires were meshed together in to the world of circuses. Not necessarily a fad that lasted, but at least we got one vampire/circus mashup!
SO. MANY. GREAT. HORROR. FILMS. THIS. YEAR! Really. Our cups runneth over with gallons of blood, guts, and scares. Interestingly, 2022 also had some really awful films. Truly awful.
But we're not here to talk about crappy films you don't want to see. Au contraire. We're here to tell YOU about the films that you'll be gabbing about well in to 2024 -- and beyond.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Intensity 🩸 out of 🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
Is it a thriller? A sci-fi abomination? A psychedelic mishmash? A video game? An affront to Toho’s original vision? A horror film? Seriously, what the hell is this? Truth be told, it’s really of all these things crammed together in a gargantuan hodgepodge of CGI lunacy. Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire is a wildly chaotic film with an equally wild plot that makes little to no sense. Scratch that…no sense.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Part hucksterism. Part faux science. Part Unsolved Mysteries. All exploitation. This film is a sad commentary on many levels, but it’s also a fascinating peek into horror history that’s impossible to turn away from.
Do you like 1970s horror? Exorcisms? Hammer films? Of course you do! Just got word of a new flick that...
When good art goes bad? When bad artists attack good artists? When good artists attack bad critics? Who knows? All...
★ out of ★★★★★ All the old adages about aging are sadly true. While there are a handful of unique exceptions to aging, largely the process is mean, maddening, and without fail. The longer you stay in the game the harder it is to compete at your once prolific rate. That 12th album, might not quite be as fresh as that first lighting in a bottle 30 years prior. That 300th game might be a tad disinclined. It's just a fact of our meager little life on planet earth and this impact is felt by all -- including Dario Argento.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing more devastating and frightening than a family at their wit's end who are also simultaneously at each other’s throats. One part drama, one part horror, one part nuclear family armageddon. You don’t want to watch the collapse, but you absolutely can’t peel your peepers from the impending chaos.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Like all hyper-beloved franchises there’s no way to end them in a satisfactory way. Save for MASH and the great Hawkeye Pierce, every last franchise has fumbled, bungled, and tied themselves in the most Gordian of Gordian Knots. Sadly, even with a stellar writing and directing crew, Halloween was not able to properly end.
1/2 ★ out of ★★★★★
Ted Lange from Loveboat is not Sir Laurence Oliver, neither is Baywatch stalwart, David Chokachi. To be clear, the level of acting in Blood Pageant, and for that matter everything else, is a pretty thin stab at the horror genre.
★ out of ★★★★★
It’s always disappointing when someone takes one of your favorite horror sub-genres and brutally bastardizes it. The “we’re trapped in a secret military base and there’s only one way out” storyline takes some care and feeding. The situation is made even worse when it’s given the ham-fisted SyFy treatment. Little attention, little point, and little effort.
I’m not crazy! I swear! This intense thriller is arriving soon to a theater near you. Stephen. Soderbergh. Shooting an...
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Caught in one of the weirdest conundrums around. A story that’s either a perfectly time version of a Twightlight Zone episode, or a ten part series on Hulu, but is definitely unsuited for a feature length film. This is the world of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2021 joint, Old.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Since Netflix recently teased out a new Mike Flanagan series based upon Edgar Allen Poe’s haunting short story, the Fall of the House of the Usher, we decided it was high time to jump in the way-back machine and give its 1960 forefather a discerning look. Turns out Flanagan may be on to something by following this chilling story.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
🩸🩸out of 🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸 for mild comedic gore.
Midway through Only the Good Survive the local sheriff and Dennis Miller impersonator (Frederick Weller) is interrogating young Brea Dunlee (Sidney Flanigan) about her involvement in a string of ritualistic murders and asks “…is this a comedy or a horror?” While the film chugs along like an Edgar Wright-inspired effort, this very sentiment is really the film’s problem. It wants to be both. Unfortunately, juggling these two juxtaposed art forms is a tricky bit of business that is almost never accomplished.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
🚫 out of 🩸 🩸 🩸 🩸 🩸
Make no mistake, 2023’s Enys Men will fall into the annals of polemic filmmaking. Much like its recent brethren, Skinamarink, this film will have people talking, shouting, and even throwing a couple haymakers. Truly a "love it or hate it" outing at the movies.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
To be clear, horror is the human condition. Sure there’s ghosts, robots, cannibals, witches, and Jason Voorhees, but all these finely finessed sub-genres are really just an extension of the human condition. Much ink has been poured over this subject, but rarely does a horror documentary get at this hyper-simple truism.
Another year and another dollar! Once again Hollyweird cranked up the hype machine and had us parking our collective butts back in the theaters. What got your butt back in the theater? What got you to risk exposure to another Covid variant? What got you to shell out $14 bones for a mountain of greasy popcorn?
The POSTER! That’s what did it.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★ Are you looking for that something extra to jolt you out of life’s day-to-day doldrums? That little something to shock your system in to a complete state of hysteria? Something so odious and vile that your mind won’t know how to process the capital "G" grisly-gore? Your pals at the Scariest Things Podcast have found just the thing. Enter...Green Inferno.
Die Nacht Der Creeps! There’s something about the Night of the Creeps in German that just makes it pinch creepier. ...
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Just as zombie films really aren’t about zombies, nor are heist films about heists. Sure there’s the undead roaming across the screen and the heist film brings you the extra-elaborate scheme to get the goods, but neither is really about what they claim. If you’re a follower of horror (and we know you are) you know that many things in horror are simply devices to get to the heart of the matter. Human emotions.
Ya’ heard that right. Word on the gritty streets of Staten Island is that the rap super-group, THE Wu Tang...
★★★ out of ★★★★★ Supernatural doo wop revenge — telekinesis style! Thirty years after her accidental death at her 1957 senior...
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Being a drug mule is the absolute worst. Mind you, this reviewer has never been a drug mule, but there’s a nagging feeling that muling drugs for miscreants, reprobates, and slackened dolts is an awful time. The only thing worse than being a drug mule? When the drug mules are forced in to servitude in the name of Cronenbergian insects and a web of gnarly body horror.
★★★★out of ★★★★★
Uh...are you sure you want me to crawl in the oven, Grandma?
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
🩸🩸🩸 out of 🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸 for mild gore and a frayed family.
Weird babysitter. Weird kid. Weird parents. A deeply weird connection to regular usage of LSD. And to top it off a weird poster. Spoonful of Sugar definitely traffics in the world of weird. Not Skinamarink weird mind you, but still firmly in the weird camp.
★★★ out of ★★★★★ A little of the old chomp, chomp, chomp… Gratuituous. GRA-TU-I-TOUS! In all of its campy glory that’s Piranha. ...
★ out of ★★★★★ Really? The most boring jump scare ever? Good premise plus good actor does not equate to good...
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
🩸🩸out of 🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
Frogman injects some fresh air into the somewhat stale shaky cam horror sub-genre. A trio of friends go in search of the elusive cryptid, the Frogman of Loveland Colorado, and manage to uncover something sinister. Well drawn characters and properly edited shaky cam standards combine for one of the best found footage films in years.
★ out of ★★★★★
Laughably bad CGI. Overcooked and undercooked use of green screen. A shrill, bothersome, and awkward performance by Alicia Silverstone. And the sharks don’t even appear until the 50+ minute mark. These are just a few of problems with The Requin that could honestly fill an ocean.