In 2020, at the height of the global pandemic, the braintrust over at Morgan Creek Entertainment, announced — with very minimal fanfare, that they’d be taking a crack at one of the most vaunted franchises of all time — The Exorcist.
To get the Scariest Things Podcast ready for 2023, and potentially the most polemic film in years, we sat down and poured through the entire EXORCIST universe. Some brilliant, some soup-soaked, some awfully-awful, and some filled with the most horrifying images ever put to film.
Merry Christmas from the Scariest Things Podcast!!! This year we’re giving you the gift that no one asked for, ever expected, and certainly one that no one ever put on their Christmas wishlist. It’s free and it’s here waiting for you. Totally unwrapped and ready to go…
We give you all the Silent Night Deadly Night films ranked! And…you’re welcome.
★ out of ★★★★★
Laughably bad CGI. Overcooked and undercooked use of green screen. A shrill, bothersome, and awkward performance by Alicia Silverstone. And the sharks don’t even appear until the 50+ minute mark. These are just a few of problems with The Requin that could honestly fill an ocean.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
While no one on the Scariest Things Podcast is a licensed cryptozoologist, it’s fair to say that we all have an interest in this murky science. There’s even a few of us — gasp — that might actual believe in the cryptids! When this most recent offering popped up at the Another Hole in the Head Film fest we knew we had to search it out.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
The holidays are just around the corner! Well, technically the holidays are ALWAYS just around the corner. The only thing more bleak than the constant crush of forced holiday frivolity? I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Part thriller, part mystery, part horror, and all metaphor! No Exit is a pretty fun thrill ride that never gets too gory, grimy, or grody. Just a little bit of each, but not too much of any.
★★ out of ★★★★★
A quiet and contemplative affair that sadly just remains a quiet and contemplative affair. No highs, no lows, and few scares.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Like all hyper-beloved franchises there’s no way to end them in a satisfactory way. Save for MASH and the great Hawkeye Pierce, every last franchise has fumbled, bungled, and tied themselves in the most Gordian of Gordian Knots. Sadly, even with a stellar writing and directing crew, Halloween was not able to properly end.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Heavy subject. Breezy presentation. That’s really the brilliance of Clay McLeod Chapman. The ability to pick apart a heady emotional construct in a way that’s engaging, insightful, and most of all frightening!
★★★ out of ★★★★★
As a horror film Moloch really has everything you’d ever want. Well-placed scares. A little blood, but not too much. Ghost-ish characters. Possession — sort of. Pre-christian Low Country mythology. And even -- gasp -- pagan demon cults!
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Many horror films try, but equally, many films fail to concoct the perfect period piece. Often times concepts for period pieces in the world of horror seem to be centered around someone’s uncle who has a really mint 1977 Trans Am. Seems like an easy tasked to build an entire film around some funky vintage clothes and a sweet ride, but more often than not it’s a task where many fail.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
GWAR is the little band that no one has ever heard of, but absolutely everyone needs to know. Their horrifying musings are just that — horrifying musings. Don’t be mistaken there’s so much more this gore-filled party. So much more. After nearly 40 years they have perfected the art of soaking their weak and puny audiences with blood, guts, urine, and yes, semen.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Just as zombie films really aren’t about zombies, nor are heist films about heists. Sure there’s the undead roaming across the screen and the heist film brings you the extra-elaborate scheme to get the goods, but neither is really about what they claim. If you’re a follower of horror (and we know you are) you know that many things in horror are simply devices to get to the heart of the matter. Human emotions.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
It’s probably not too far out on a limb to say that Dave Grohl is an American treasure, but it turns out he actually is. From his time in Scream to Nirvana and his alt-grunge outfit the Foo Fighters, the man has done it all. Vacillating between documentaries with topics as varied as the Bad Brains, Lemmy, obscure record labels, and even Devo, Dave has covered nearly every possible music genre and sub-genre.
While he’s acted in a handful of fictional films, he’s never really touched on the world of horror. That is until now. Turns out he’s a pretty great actor. And, he’s also got a penchant for comedy.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
On the edge of the 40th anniversary of the seminal John Carpenter-Stephen King mashup it’s high time we pay proper due to a legitimate horror classic. Coupled with the fact that Blumhouse is in the works of producing a questionable remake — due in 2022/2023 — and the fact that this 1983 joint is now streaming on Netflix in UHD, it makes it the perfect time to consider where this fits in to the pantheon of horror greats.
SO. MANY. GREAT. HORROR. FILMS. THIS. YEAR! Really. Our cups runneth over with gallons of blood, guts, and scares. Interestingly, 2022 also had some really awful films. Truly awful.
But we're not here to talk about crappy films you don't want to see. Au contraire. We're here to tell YOU about the films that you'll be gabbing about well in to 2024 -- and beyond.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Regicide is one of those awesome $5 dollar SAT words. You’d swear you know what it means, but always end up having to look it up online. We’ll save you they trouble. Regicide is the killing of a monarch or king. In the case of 2022’s uber-indy flick Regicide, this kind of makes sense, but it takes the film an awfully long time to find the metaphor.
Another year and another dollar! Once again Hollyweird cranked up the hype machine and had us parking our collective butts back in the theaters. What got your butt back in the theater? What got you to risk exposure to another Covid variant? What got you to shell out $14 bones for a mountain of greasy popcorn?
The POSTER! That’s what did it.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Tucked neatly between two pretty cool holidays is a celebration that’s pretty mundane. Face it Thanksgiving ain’t all that great, nor is gluttony. It’s definitely a tough spot to be in. The equivalent in the world of horror is being unfortunately stuck between horror and comedy. That’s exactly where the 2019 Blumhouse/Hulu film Pilgrim fits.
Sort of funny. Sort of horror. But really neither.
So, have you seen a good horror movie lately? The following is a comprehensive list of recommendations for our favorite horror films of all time. It's a horror movie rankers dream! Check out the big list and find a movie that you haven't seen yet... and watch it!
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
If 2022 has you a little jaundiced with reboots, sequels, prequels, and re-imaginations your feelings are not unwarranted. Let’s face it, Halloween Ends was confusing and largely devoid of Michael Myers. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was silly and uncooked. Hellraiser was pretty to look at, but became an unnecessary and boring reboot.
Have no fear. The Indonesians are here to save us!
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Black gloves! The stabiest of stabbings! Groovy Goblin-esque soundtrack! Mysterious subterfuge! A nod (maybe) to the 1971 classic Cat O’ Nine Tails. Argento is back! Well, maybe he’s back. The vote’s still out on that wild proclamation.
📍📍📍 out of 📍📍📍📍📍
You either love the Cenobites or you don’t. You’re either interested in freaky BDSM emo-demons or you’re not. You either like non-linear otherworldly sci-fi based horror or it holds little interest to you. It’s possible there’s a third category — indifference — and that’s probably where I fall on the Hellraiser spectrum.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
This might seem like a stretch, but you’ve never seen a film quite like 2022’s Men. Really. It’s in a pretty singular place in the world of psychedelic horror. Frankly, there’s nothing that really compares to this shocking bit of A24 business. Unless you count David Cronenberg’s 1979 classic the Brood as a contemporary — but that was 43 years ago.
Men, directed by friend of horror, Alex Garland (28 Days Later and Annihilation) is exactly the film that 2022 needed, nay required. By managing to expertly weave through a minefield of trauma, sexual repression, male insecurity, and post-#metoo movement dynamics, Garland turns in one of the best horror films of the year.
★★ out of ★★★★★
We all know the rule. Sequels are (mostly) awful. Always (most of the the time). The further you get into a franchise the sequels will GROW proportionally more awful. Two might be passable, but by the time you get to Part IV you’ve just purchased a non-refundable one-way ticket to Stink Town. Population: suck.
★.5 out of ★★★★★
Anthology horror films are so full of creepy goodness! Moral tales. Freaky through lines. Peculiar and off-putting horror hosts and narrators. They give us everything we desire in spooky bite-sized chunks. Until they don’t.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
We've all been waiting patiently for the new work by masterful filmmaker Jordan Peele. He has yet to disappoint with his previous cinematic efforts and continues to push a rather visionary envelope. Shrouded in years of mystery comes another enthralling horror entry with NOPE.
As we've already previously noted, UFO films are usually mostly in the science fiction camp, with maybe a toe in the horror genre. Trying to find the ones that firmly place two feet over into the horror side is no easy feat. NOPE is that film that harmoniously brings these camps together.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
There’s a very real chance that this film may be the first of its kind. True story. One of one. The first ever. Well, that might be a little bit of a stretch, but it’s unlikely that there are any other found footage horror films made by Syrian teens who happen to be refugees living Lebanese settlement camps. If there are others out there we’d sure love to know about them.
This year’s “it” horror film is upon us! Sorry, Halloween Ends, you’ll have to wait your turn. The Black Phone is the long awaited horror opus directed by Scott Derrickson (Sinister, Exorcism of Emily Rose, and Deliver us from Evil) and written by Joe Hill (Locke and Key, Creep Show, and NOS4RA2).
All the horror provenance is certainly there, but is the Black Phone any good? As we often do, the Scariest Things Podcast team is bringing our collective thoughts to the table to look inside this big budget spook show.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Being a drug mule is the absolute worst. Mind you, this reviewer has never been a drug mule, but there’s a nagging feeling that muling drugs for miscreants, reprobates, and slackened dolts is an awful time. The only thing worse than being a drug mule? When the drug mules are forced in to servitude in the name of Cronenbergian insects and a web of gnarly body horror.