★ out of ★★★★★
Laughably bad CGI. Overcooked and undercooked use of green screen. A shrill, bothersome, and awkward performance by Alicia Silverstone. And the sharks don’t even appear until the 50+ minute mark. These are just a few of problems with The Requin that could honestly fill an ocean.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
While no one on the Scariest Things Podcast is a licensed cryptozoologist, it’s fair to say that we all have an interest in this murky science. There’s even a few of us — gasp — that might actual believe in the cryptids! When this most recent offering popped up at the Another Hole in the Head Film fest we knew we had to search it out.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Tucked neatly between two pretty cool holidays is a celebration that’s pretty mundane. Face it Thanksgiving ain’t all that great, nor is gluttony. It’s definitely a tough spot to be in. The equivalent in the world of horror is being unfortunately stuck between horror and comedy. That’s exactly where the 2019 Blumhouse/Hulu film Pilgrim fits.
Sort of funny. Sort of horror. But really neither.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Part thriller, part mystery, part horror, and all metaphor! No Exit is a pretty fun thrill ride that never gets too gory, grimy, or grody. Just a little bit of each, but not too much of any.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Black gloves! The stabiest of stabbings! Groovy Goblin-esque soundtrack! Mysterious subterfuge! A nod (maybe) to the 1971 classic Cat O’ Nine Tails. Argento is back! Well, maybe he’s back. The vote’s still out on that wild proclamation.
📍📍📍 out of 📍📍📍📍📍
You either love the Cenobites or you don’t. You’re either interested in freaky BDSM emo-demons or you’re not. You either like non-linear otherworldly sci-fi based horror or it holds little interest to you. It’s possible there’s a third category — indifference — and that’s probably where I fall on the Hellraiser spectrum.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Heavy subject. Breezy presentation. That’s really the brilliance of Clay McLeod Chapman. The ability to pick apart a heady emotional construct in a way that’s engaging, insightful, and most of all frightening!
★★★ out of ★★★★★
As a horror film Moloch really has everything you’d ever want. Well-placed scares. A little blood, but not too much. Ghost-ish characters. Possession — sort of. Pre-christian Low Country mythology. And even -- gasp -- pagan demon cults!
★.5 out of ★★★★★
Anthology horror films are so full of creepy goodness! Moral tales. Freaky through lines. Peculiar and off-putting horror hosts and narrators. They give us everything we desire in spooky bite-sized chunks. Until they don’t.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
There’s a very real chance that this film may be the first of its kind. True story. One of one. The first ever. Well, that might be a little bit of a stretch, but it’s unlikely that there are any other found footage horror films made by Syrian teens who happen to be refugees living Lebanese settlement camps. If there are others out there we’d sure love to know about them.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
On the edge of the 40th anniversary of the seminal John Carpenter-Stephen King mashup it’s high time we pay proper due to a legitimate horror classic. Coupled with the fact that Blumhouse is in the works of producing a questionable remake — due in 2022/2023 — and the fact that this 1983 joint is now streaming on Netflix in UHD, it makes it the perfect time to consider where this fits in to the pantheon of horror greats.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Being a drug mule is the absolute worst. Mind you, this reviewer has never been a drug mule, but there’s a nagging feeling that muling drugs for miscreants, reprobates, and slackened dolts is an awful time. The only thing worse than being a drug mule? When the drug mules are forced in to servitude in the name of Cronenbergian insects and a web of gnarly body horror.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
In the increasingly fast-paced world of horror sometimes it’s really nice to bathe in a simple and pastoral story. The intensity of fast zombies, flying chainsaws, and hyper-speed ghouls has a time and place, but it’s also a nice bit of calm when the characters and the story unfold in a relaxed and less apocalyptic way.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Vampires and circuses! Two great tastes that pair wonderfully said together. Said no one. Ever. But it’s true. It happened. All courtesy of classic horror studio Hammer films. In 1972 someone thought up this brainy coupling and vampires were meshed together in to the world of circuses. Not necessarily a fad that lasted, but at least we got one vampire/circus mashup!
★ out of ★★★★★
A new age of horror is upon us! It’s Jeffrey Epstein Horror. For the record, Jeffrey Epstein is a pretty repugnant character and no one ever asked for Jeffrey Epstein Horror. But it is kind of…uh…interesting.
Another year and another dollar! Once again Hollyweird cranked up the hype machine and had us parking our collective butts back in the theaters. What got your butt back in the theater? What got you to risk exposure to another Covid variant? What got you to shell out $14 bones for a mountain of greasy popcorn?
The POSTER! That’s what did it.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
An evocative film name for an equally evocative true story. Pig Killer should not be taken lightly and nor should the horrible tale of Willy Pickton who killed and killed until he made his way in to Canadian history books as the most prolific serial killer in the country’s history.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
The holidays are just around the corner! Well, technically the holidays are ALWAYS just around the corner. The only thing more bleak than the constant crush of forced holiday frivolity? I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
If 2022 has you a little jaundiced with reboots, sequels, prequels, and re-imaginations your feelings are not unwarranted. Let’s face it, Halloween Ends was confusing and largely devoid of Michael Myers. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was silly and uncooked. Hellraiser was pretty to look at, but became an unnecessary and boring reboot.
Have no fear. The Indonesians are here to save us!
★★ out of ★★★★★
Like all hyper-beloved franchises there’s no way to end them in a satisfactory way. Save for MASH and the great Hawkeye Pierce, every last franchise has fumbled, bungled, and tied themselves in the most Gordian of Gordian Knots. Sadly, even with a stellar writing and directing crew, Halloween was not able to properly end.
★★ out of ★★★★★
A “C” is passing, but it ain’t that great in the scheme of things. It’s just OK. Sometimes it’s from lack of trying, sometimes it’s from a poor teacher, and sometimes the student doesn’t have a lot to work from. In the case of 2022’s My Best Friend’s Exorcism, it had great source material, a great story, and the backing of one of the biggest corporations on the planet. So what the hell happened to one of the most anticipated films of 2022?
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
This might seem like a stretch, but you’ve never seen a film quite like 2022’s Men. Really. It’s in a pretty singular place in the world of psychedelic horror. Frankly, there’s nothing that really compares to this shocking bit of A24 business. Unless you count David Cronenberg’s 1979 classic the Brood as a contemporary — but that was 43 years ago.
Men, directed by friend of horror, Alex Garland (28 Days Later and Annihilation) is exactly the film that 2022 needed, nay required. By managing to expertly weave through a minefield of trauma, sexual repression, male insecurity, and post-#metoo movement dynamics, Garland turns in one of the best horror films of the year.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Many horror films try, but equally, many films fail to concoct the perfect period piece. Often times concepts for period pieces in the world of horror seem to be centered around someone’s uncle who has a really mint 1977 Trans Am. Seems like an easy tasked to build an entire film around some funky vintage clothes and a sweet ride, but more often than not it’s a task where many fail.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
GWAR is the little band that no one has ever heard of, but absolutely everyone needs to know. Their horrifying musings are just that — horrifying musings. Don’t be mistaken there’s so much more this gore-filled party. So much more. After nearly 40 years they have perfected the art of soaking their weak and puny audiences with blood, guts, urine, and yes, semen.
This year’s “it” horror film is upon us! Sorry, Halloween Ends, you’ll have to wait your turn. The Black Phone is the long awaited horror opus directed by Scott Derrickson (Sinister, Exorcism of Emily Rose, and Deliver us from Evil) and written by Joe Hill (Locke and Key, Creep Show, and NOS4RA2).
All the horror provenance is certainly there, but is the Black Phone any good? As we often do, the Scariest Things Podcast team is bringing our collective thoughts to the table to look inside this big budget spook show.
★★★★ out of ★★★★
According to director Ana Lily Amirpour, her latest outing, Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon “…is New Orleans AF.” While we’re probably not the best judges of whether anything, let alone New Orleans, is AF, but for purposes of this discussion we’ll say it is.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
The 1930s and 40s brought us ghoulish voodoo zombies. The 1960s and 70s graciously brought us trundling brain-fixated zombies. The early 2000s somewhat quixotically brought us hyper-speed zombies. And now in the 2020s we’re being treated (emphasis on the sarcasm) to sadistic, cruel, and mean-spirited zombies. Good, bad, or indifferent this is the brutish zombie world we now live in.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
There’s nothing worse than living alone in a bleak and dreary apartment. Add Covid19 and some additional isolation. That’s pretty awful. Mix in conference calls with your patronizing ex-wife, her husband, and your best pal trying to help you transition in to the next phase of your life. Well, that’s really awful. Mix in some black magic, demons from another dimension, and true ghost hunters — then you’ve got a real recipe for demonic disaster.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
This hop, skip, and jump down memory lane provides an incredible gory realization that horror films from the 1980s were silly, confusing, and nasty bits of business. Sure they were rather amateur-ish, but they were also exciting jumping off points for the masters of horror for decades to come! There’s Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi, Greg Nicotero, Bruce Campbell, Renée Estevez, and even famed Tarantino producer, Lawrence Bender. Some parts are smaller than others, but rest assured, they’re all there!
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Equal parts Stand By Me, Stranger Things, and Hellraiser, the Shelter of the Damned presents a pretty dark look at adolescence and the lengths that kids will go to to get out of school.