★★★★ out of ★★★★★
HP Lovecraft dug writing short stories. Edgar Allen Poe did too. Even the great Stephen King has been known to clack out a short story or two (hundred). Most horror writers have the keen ability to take a simple concept and extemporarily expound the idea in fairly concise and confined was. Sometimes this works and sometimes there’s a lot of questions begged and a lot more exposition that’s required.
In 2020, at the height of the global pandemic, the braintrust over at Morgan Creek Entertainment, announced — with very minimal fanfare, that they’d be taking a crack at one of the most vaunted franchises of all time — The Exorcist.
To get the Scariest Things Podcast ready for 2023, and potentially the most polemic film in years, we sat down and poured through the entire EXORCIST universe. Some brilliant, some soup-soaked, some awfully-awful, and some filled with the most horrifying images ever put to film.
Merry Christmas from the Scariest Things Podcast!!! This year we’re giving you the gift that no one asked for, ever expected, and certainly one that no one ever put on their Christmas wishlist. It’s free and it’s here waiting for you. Totally unwrapped and ready to go…
We give you all the Silent Night Deadly Night films ranked! And…you’re welcome.
★ out of ★★★★★
Laughably bad CGI. Overcooked and undercooked use of green screen. A shrill, bothersome, and awkward performance by Alicia Silverstone. And the sharks don’t even appear until the 50+ minute mark. These are just a few of problems with The Requin that could honestly fill an ocean.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
While no one on the Scariest Things Podcast is a licensed cryptozoologist, it’s fair to say that we all have an interest in this murky science. There’s even a few of us — gasp — that might actual believe in the cryptids! When this most recent offering popped up at the Another Hole in the Head Film fest we knew we had to search it out.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Tucked neatly between two pretty cool holidays is a celebration that’s pretty mundane. Face it Thanksgiving ain’t all that great, nor is gluttony. It’s definitely a tough spot to be in. The equivalent in the world of horror is being unfortunately stuck between horror and comedy. That’s exactly where the 2019 Blumhouse/Hulu film Pilgrim fits.
Sort of funny. Sort of horror. But really neither.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Part thriller, part mystery, part horror, and all metaphor! No Exit is a pretty fun thrill ride that never gets too gory, grimy, or grody. Just a little bit of each, but not too much of any.
★★ out of ★★★★★
A quiet and contemplative affair that sadly just remains a quiet and contemplative affair. No highs, no lows, and few scares.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Like all hyper-beloved franchises there’s no way to end them in a satisfactory way. Save for MASH and the great Hawkeye Pierce, every last franchise has fumbled, bungled, and tied themselves in the most Gordian of Gordian Knots. Sadly, even with a stellar writing and directing crew, Halloween was not able to properly end.
★★ out of ★★★★★
A “C” is passing, but it ain’t that great in the scheme of things. It’s just OK. Sometimes it’s from lack of trying, sometimes it’s from a poor teacher, and sometimes the student doesn’t have a lot to work from. In the case of 2022’s My Best Friend’s Exorcism, it had great source material, a great story, and the backing of one of the biggest corporations on the planet. So what the hell happened to one of the most anticipated films of 2022?
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
This might seem like a stretch, but you’ve never seen a film quite like 2022’s Men. Really. It’s in a pretty singular place in the world of psychedelic horror. Frankly, there’s nothing that really compares to this shocking bit of A24 business. Unless you count David Cronenberg’s 1979 classic the Brood as a contemporary — but that was 43 years ago.
Men, directed by friend of horror, Alex Garland (28 Days Later and Annihilation) is exactly the film that 2022 needed, nay required. By managing to expertly weave through a minefield of trauma, sexual repression, male insecurity, and post-#metoo movement dynamics, Garland turns in one of the best horror films of the year.
★★ out of ★★★★★
We all know the rule. Sequels are (mostly) awful. Always (most of the the time). The further you get into a franchise the sequels will GROW proportionally more awful. Two might be passable, but by the time you get to Part IV you’ve just purchased a non-refundable one-way ticket to Stink Town. Population: suck.
★★ out of ★★★★★
The CW made a found footage horror movie! Well, not really, but it sure feels like it. Too perfect kids. Too beautiful actors. Too perfectly clean footage and technology. Replete with a rag tag group of Scooby Doo-esque paranormal researchers!
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
GWAR is the little band that no one has ever heard of, but absolutely everyone needs to know. Their horrifying musings are just that — horrifying musings. Don’t be mistaken there’s so much more this gore-filled party. So much more. After nearly 40 years they have perfected the art of soaking their weak and puny audiences with blood, guts, urine, and yes, semen.
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Just as zombie films really aren’t about zombies, nor are heist films about heists. Sure there’s the undead roaming across the screen and the heist film brings you the extra-elaborate scheme to get the goods, but neither is really about what they claim. If you’re a follower of horror (and we know you are) you know that many things in horror are simply devices to get to the heart of the matter. Human emotions.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
Sleazy, greasy, grimy, grindhouse fare. It’s all here. Right down to a chilling and rather off-putting performance by one of the more odd actors to ever grace a horror film, Klaus Kinski. Hot on the heels of one of the all-time great horror performances in 1979’s Nosferatu the Vampyre, Kinski sleazes his way throughout SCHIZOID!
SO. MANY. GREAT. HORROR. FILMS. THIS. YEAR! Really. Our cups runneth over with gallons of blood, guts, and scares. Interestingly, 2022 also had some really awful films. Truly awful.
But we're not here to talk about crappy films you don't want to see. Au contraire. We're here to tell YOU about the films that you'll be gabbing about well in to 2024 -- and beyond.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Regicide is one of those awesome $5 dollar SAT words. You’d swear you know what it means, but always end up having to look it up online. We’ll save you they trouble. Regicide is the killing of a monarch or king. In the case of 2022’s uber-indy flick Regicide, this kind of makes sense, but it takes the film an awfully long time to find the metaphor.
Another year and another dollar! Once again Hollyweird cranked up the hype machine and had us parking our collective butts back in the theaters. What got your butt back in the theater? What got you to risk exposure to another Covid variant? What got you to shell out $14 bones for a mountain of greasy popcorn?
The POSTER! That’s what did it.
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
An evocative film name for an equally evocative true story. Pig Killer should not be taken lightly and nor should the horrible tale of Willy Pickton who killed and killed until he made his way in to Canadian history books as the most prolific serial killer in the country’s history.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
The holidays are just around the corner! Well, technically the holidays are ALWAYS just around the corner. The only thing more bleak than the constant crush of forced holiday frivolity? I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
If 2022 has you a little jaundiced with reboots, sequels, prequels, and re-imaginations your feelings are not unwarranted. Let’s face it, Halloween Ends was confusing and largely devoid of Michael Myers. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was silly and uncooked. Hellraiser was pretty to look at, but became an unnecessary and boring reboot.
Have no fear. The Indonesians are here to save us!
★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Black gloves! The stabiest of stabbings! Groovy Goblin-esque soundtrack! Mysterious subterfuge! A nod (maybe) to the 1971 classic Cat O’ Nine Tails. Argento is back! Well, maybe he’s back. The vote’s still out on that wild proclamation.
📍📍📍 out of 📍📍📍📍📍
You either love the Cenobites or you don’t. You’re either interested in freaky BDSM emo-demons or you’re not. You either like non-linear otherworldly sci-fi based horror or it holds little interest to you. It’s possible there’s a third category — indifference — and that’s probably where I fall on the Hellraiser spectrum.
★★ out of ★★★★★
Pearl WILL be one of the more divisive films of the year. It will end up on some “best of” lists, but it could very well end up on some “worst of” lists. Why? Simple really. It’s a very uneven film. It contains some rather shocking bits, but it’s also equally underwhelming.
★★★ out of ★★★★★
As a horror film Moloch really has everything you’d ever want. Well-placed scares. A little blood, but not too much. Ghost-ish characters. Possession — sort of. Pre-christian Low Country mythology. And even -- gasp -- pagan demon cults!
★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
Many horror films try, but equally, many films fail to concoct the perfect period piece. Often times concepts for period pieces in the world of horror seem to be centered around someone’s uncle who has a really mint 1977 Trans Am. Seems like an easy tasked to build an entire film around some funky vintage clothes and a sweet ride, but more often than not it’s a task where many fail.
★.5 out of ★★★★★
Anthology horror films are so full of creepy goodness! Moral tales. Freaky through lines. Peculiar and off-putting horror hosts and narrators. They give us everything we desire in spooky bite-sized chunks. Until they don’t.
★★★★.5 out of ★★★★★
We've all been waiting patiently for the new work by masterful filmmaker Jordan Peele. He has yet to disappoint with his previous cinematic efforts and continues to push a rather visionary envelope. Shrouded in years of mystery comes another enthralling horror entry with NOPE.
As we've already previously noted, UFO films are usually mostly in the science fiction camp, with maybe a toe in the horror genre. Trying to find the ones that firmly place two feet over into the horror side is no easy feat. NOPE is that film that harmoniously brings these camps together.
★★★★ out of ★★★★★
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — comedy is a difficult task that’s made all the more difficult when it gets mixed up with its gory cousin, HORROR. To see it done well is one of the more pleasant sights
that a horror fan gets to ever see.
The new film, Stag, by quadruple threat (actress, writer, director, and producer) Alexandra Spieth marries these two ugly cousins together perfectly — ironically in the context of a weekend bridal party.